


I Gave Into Sickness (Can You Find Forgiveness)

by GrannyBoo



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst-to-happy-ending, Caleb has some self-worth issues really, M/M, Relationship Issues, self-deprecation, self-sabotage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 16:43:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13485603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrannyBoo/pseuds/GrannyBoo
Summary: 'I am not brave'-or-Caleb's fear takes a toll on his and Fjord's relationship





	I Gave Into Sickness (Can You Find Forgiveness)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Kiddie beans, I hope you enjoy my newest pile of nonsense and as always, feel free to hmu on tumblr at 'agentoakysart' to request art or fanfictions and I'll do what I can to oblige.
> 
> This was heavily inspired by the newest episode, in which Caleb hides and informs Fjord that he is not brave and I thought that lends a lot to his characterisation. So, hope you like this garbage-pile.

**_ I Gave Into Sickness (Can You Find Forgiveness) _ **

_I am not brave_

Fjord’s fingers brushed his on the table, the pair sitting squashed beside each other while their companions argued loudly over…honestly Caleb was having a hard time keeping track. Fjord’s skin was warm, sending shivers up his arm and he wanted to move his hand, intertwine their fingers. But those words hummed mockingly in the back of his mind. He glanced at Fjord, seeing the half-orc’s subtle smile at their fellow adventurers’ antics and a small glance towards him bringing forth a rush of warmth to Caleb’s cheeks. He returned the small smile but as he looked back towards the rest of the party, he noticed Molly raising an eyebrow at Fjord’s hand.

Caleb pulled his hand away as he feigned a stretch and sat back in the booth with his arms crossed over his chest. The warm tingling sensation in his hand fading without the contact with Fjord’s skin and he dared a glance towards the other man, finding the amused smile replaced with something forced, his hands clasped on the table in front of him as he rubbed over the scars marring the green skin. Caleb’s chest clenched painfully and shame curled in his stomach.

Molly looked thoughtfully at Fjord and the pair’s gazes met, sharing meaningful looks. The tiefling frowned and glanced towards Caleb with his brow furrowed as if asking what Caleb was doing. Caleb averted his gaze and picked at the small plate of bread in front of him and the conversation went on around him as those three words flittered through his mind.

-

_I am not brave_

They were alone. Caleb had had a few drinks, the buzz in his head and the warmth in his chest prompting him to ask Fjord back into his room where the pair stood, loosely held in each other’s arms as they danced slowly in the centre of the room to the music echoing through the halls and Fjord’s soft humming into his hair. The gentle swaying and the drink tripping Caleb up for a brief moment but the proximity to the other man and the far stronger tolerance to alcohol to half-orc had helped Fjord catch him, tightening his grip around Caleb’s waist.

“Careful, darlin’. You just might fall for me,” Fjord teased, looking down at the other man with a smile. Caleb returned it without a second thought, the traitorously cheerful voice in the back of his head telling him ‘you most certainly already have’.

“Caleb! Caleb, I got you a book from a man downstairs who doesn’t know how to play cards! You like books right?!”

Fjord felt Caleb launch himself out of his arms at the sound of Jester’s voice, stumbling for a moment and tripping backwards over a pair of boots.

“Caleb! Are you okay?” Jester called through the door.

“I-I’m fine, I just…stubbed my toe,” Caleb called, face turned away from Fjord.

“Alright, do you want the book?”

“I’ll collect it from you later, I’m just…washing up right now.”

“Oh, good. I’ll give it to you in the morning. Goodnight, Caleb,” Jester bid, her boots scuffing along the floor at a skipping pace and the bang of a closing door sending a wave of relief through Caleb. Until he turned his head and saw Fjord’s boots, planted in the centre of the room. He couldn’t bring himself to look up at Fjord’s expression but he could see the tension in his clenched fists.

Fjord didn’t say anything as he turned and walked out of the room, the gentle click of the door closing behind him hurting more than if he’d slammed it.

-

 _I am not brave_.

“Why are you just standing there?! Say something!”

Fjord didn’t yell very often outside of battles. It wasn’t his style to yell, he much preferred to talk things through, discuss options calmly until a resolution could be reached.

But there he was, cheeks and the tips of his ears flushed dark in irritation, golden eyes fixed on Caleb as they argued in Caleb’s room. It wasn’t much of an argument with Fjord doing all the talking and Caleb standing there in complete silence with his eyes cast down towards the floor.

“I’m kinda puttin’ my heart out there for you, Caleb. I really like you and…I like to think you feel the same about me but I can’t take all this hidin’. Are you…are you ashamed or somethin’?” Fjord asked, the waver in his voice and the pause in his words putting his fear of it being the truth out on display. He was brave. He knew something needed to be said, so he said it, no matter how much it hurt him to or how afraid he was of the answer.

Caleb said nothing.

Fjord cleared his throat and blinked furiously back at the wetness invading the corners of his eyes.

“Well,” he let out a bitter laugh. “I guess that says it all, doesn’t it? I’ll just…when you’re not so ashamed to be seen with me, the others are grabbin’ breakfast downstairs. I’ll make sure I sit on the far end of the table, if that suits you?” Fjord bit out, walking past Caleb to leave, this time the door slammed shut with a bang that knocked off a gaudy painting hanging on the wall beside it.

He wanted to say something. He did, he wanted to tell Fjord that he was falling so damned fast for him it was terrifying. He wanted to explain everything that was bothering him. Knowing that there was no way in any plane of existence that he’d deserve someone as handsome, or brave or so _good_ as Fjord and that if someone else saw them, they’d tell Fjord. They’d help him realise that Caleb wasn’t worth his time.

But it was easier to keep their gentle touches and embraces hidden from judging eyes.

It hurt but it was easier if he knew that Fjord came to that conclusion on his own, that Caleb didn’t deserve him, rather than someone else showing him.

-

 _I am not brave_.

It wasn’t the first dungeon they’d traversed in their joint travels, but it was definitely the first with as many traps or pitfalls as it had. They’d managed to be fairly careful so far, Nott taking point and carefully checking the cracks in the stone and disabling traps as she came across them.

Caleb kept to the back, watching Fjord walk in front of him with his falchion drawn, keeping quiet conversation with Jester and Molly, pointedly avoiding looking at Caleb. It had been about a week since the argument; the barest of conversation passing between them and even less direct eye contact and Caleb accepted that what they had was over. He understood that, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Even Molly was acting a little colder towards Caleb, remaining close to Fjord and talking in hushed tones with him.

For the first time in years, Caleb thought something to himself. ‘ _I wish I was brave_ ’.

_Click_

Everyone in the procession froze and turned towards Fjord who stood, with a pale face and wide eyes as he looked down.

“Oh god. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t see it, I missed it, I’m sorry-“ Nott rambled as the party examined the slightly depressed stone Fjord’s foot had landed on.

“Its okay, Nott. Just disarm it,” Fjord murmured, attempting to feign calm but the twitch in his hands and the tension in his shoulders betrayed his fear.

“I…I can’t. Its been activated and, I haven’t worked out how to disarm activated traps-“

“Well what do we do then, we can’t just leave him here,” Beau asked.

“Can you find out what the trap does?” Caleb knelt down before his friend, a comforting hand on her shoulder. She nodded, fingers tracing along the dips and cracks in the stone, lingering on small bits of metal peeking out of the floor and walls.

“A shock trap. It sets off when you lift your foot.”

Fjord’s eyes were fixed on his own foot, trying to work out how he could get out of this but he seemed to be failing and opened his mouth with a thinly veiled look of resignation, covered with a comforting smile.

“Its okay, just-“

Caleb didn’t think before he reached out and curled a gentle hand around Fjord’s arm.

“I’ll get him out of it. But please, move away so you will remain unharmed,” Caleb told them, giving the rest of the group an insistent look.

“Are you sure, Caleb?” Nott’s brow was furrowed in concern and Caleb smiled.

“I’m sure. I’ve read about this trap. I should be able to disarm it but just in case, best if I’m the only one in the line of fire. Don’t worry, we’ll catch up to you” he told her and she seemed satisfied, leading the others further down the corridor until their voices and torches were faint in the distance.

She always had trouble telling when he lied.

“Bullshit, you have no idea.”

Fjord never did.

“Please, stay still,” Caleb murmured, looking down at the floor and the walls the cracks led to, finding the different potential sources of the electricity. It looked like it would cover enough space that even at a run, the unfortunate soul that activated this trap wouldn’t entirely evade the lines of metal that would shock and potentially kill them. He took a long stride to estimate the distance and even with Fjord’s height, he’d still have to plant his foot on the ground at least once to step off the block.

“Oh, now you wanna talk to me. Perfect, right before I die-“

“You’re not going to die here.”

_I am not brave._

Fjord let out a huff of air, looking down at Caleb with an unreadable expression. It slipped from his face when he felt the hand brushing against his arm slide down, grazing his bracers and ending up curled around his own hand and the man looked up at him. The half-orc’s heart stuttered in his chest as Caleb stepped forward, his free hand pressing against Fjord’s chest as he moved in close, breath ghosting over his lips and Fjord found himself entranced by Caleb’s eyes, his own body being led backwards, left foot leaving the stone-

There was a delayed reaction as his foot left the stone block and his back hit the wall, entire body flinching, waiting for the painful shock of electricity…

Nothing.

Fjord opened his eyes and he looked Caleb up and down, the man’s foot now pressed on the stone block.

_I am not brave._

“Caleb, what the hell are you doin’?!”

Caleb’s hand was still curled around Fjord’s, eyes fixed down.

“You’re not going to die here,” Caleb replied resolutely, his steady tone completely ruined by the trembling Fjord could feel through Caleb’s fingers. “I won’t let you die here.”

“Caleb- darlin’ its okay, just- do what you did but put me back, I can take it better than you can,” Fjord pleaded but Caleb shook his head.

_I am not brave._

“No.”

_I am not brave._

“Caleb, please, don’t do this,” Fjord’s voice was becoming more frantic. He didn’t dare pull at Caleb’s arm in case it set the trap off but he still held fast to Caleb’s hand.

“I’m sorry for not being braver,” Caleb murmured. “I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to hold your hand in public. Or dance with you around the others. Or kiss you anywhere but our rooms,” the words spilled forth and the shaking increased, spreading from his hands to his shoulders as tears welled up in his eyes.

“I’m sorry you _ever_ thought I could be ashamed of you. It was the opposite actually, _mein liebster_. I was so afraid you’d learn you should be ashamed of me. The coward I am, the barely functional wizard I am but even if I’m _terrified_ , you…”

_I am not brave._

_But you make me want to be_.

_You make me feel like I could be._

“You make me brave, Fjord. So, I’m going to be brave this time. And you are going to walk down the hallway and you will not look back, please,” Caleb asked, not looking up at Fjord or else he feels like he would crumble under the weight of his stare.

“No. Either we both get out of this or neither of us do,” Fjord snapped.

“Fjord, please-“

“ _No!_ ”

Caleb flinched at the shout but stood his ground. There were a few moments of tense silence and Fjord snatched his hand away from Caleb’s, walking down the corridor and for a split second, Caleb wanted to drop to the ground and curl into a ball, but he watched Fjord walk back the way they came, looking into the stone cracks, and stopping at the border of the trap. He turned and faced Caleb.

“I’m not leaving you, Caleb,” Fjord said, taking a few deep breaths and it took Caleb far too long to realise what he was about to do.

“Fjord, no!”

Fjord sprinted forward, arms outstretched and planted foot a few feet from Caleb, pushing him off into a jump as he ran straight into Caleb, lifting him from the plate as the sound of crackling energy filled the corridor around them as they hovered in the air before they landed on the other side of the trap.

Caleb didn’t feel a shock. He felt Fjord’s arms around him, clutching him tightly but he didn’t feel electricity running through his body.

“You fuckin’ idiot.”

Caleb tried to pull away from Fjord but the half-orc held him fast.

“There’s brave, and then there’s downright stupid and you took _the fuckin’ cake_ in the stupid department,” Fjord growled, rolling them over so he was hovering over Caleb, golden eyes bright and wide in rage. “If you ever do something so boneheaded again, I will never forgive you, do you hear me?” he cupped Caleb’s head in his hands, nails shallowly digging into his scalp as he kept him in place, looking up at Fjord so the wizard could hold his gaze. And see the fear in his eyes.

“Fjord-“

“Never again,” Fjord choked out, resting his forehead against Caleb’s, “please, never again, okay?” he begged and Caleb nodded, resting his own hand over Fjord’s. Fjord surged forward, pressing his lips against Caleb’s in a kiss while the crackling static in the metal beside them died down into silence, revealing the quiet click of heels against stone. Fjord looked to the side and found Molly watching them from the corner of his eye, turned slightly away from them to give them some semblance of privacy. Caleb saw the tiefling and he felt the instinctive twitch to push Fjord away but managed to suppress it, reaching up to stroke Fjord’s cheek and press a small kiss to his lips himself.

“Come on. We have a dungeon to traverse,” he reminded Fjord and the half-orc nodded, picking them both up off of the ground. He went to step away but Caleb reached out, curling his hand around Fjord’s wrist, thumb brushing over his knuckles. Fjord didn’t pull his hand back. He looked down at Caleb and turned his hand around to give his a small squeeze.

“Watch your step, darlin’,” Fjord murmurs, maintaining his grip on his hand and the pair move forward, catching up to Molly and the rest of their friends.

-

“You know,” Fjord murmurs quietly into Caleb’s hair as they curled up together in the wizard’s bed, “I’ve always counted myself as lucky to have found you. And that you’d even give me the time of day,” he admits, pressing a light kiss to the man’s temple.

“Fjord-“

“You’re gorgeous. You’re so damned smart and you have _so much good_ in you that I don’t think you see. Sure, you get scared. But when push comes to shove, you do what you need to, to help others. You watch over Nott, and over me and the rest of the group. Just ‘cause you can’t see your own value doesn’t mean it isn’t there,” his voice was firm and he pulled back just enough to look Caleb in the eyes, thumb brushing over the man’s cheek.

“I’ll never be ashamed of you. And gods forbid anyone try to tell me I should be ‘cause then I’ll have to give them a thorough piece of my own damn mind.”

Caleb let out a small laugh, cheeks flushing lightly pink as he tried to avert his eyes but Fjord gently nudged his gaze back to meet his, a sincere look to his face.

“I love you, Caleb.”

_I am not brave._

“…I love you as well, Fjord,” Caleb whispered, leaning forward to brush their lips together in a gentle, melting kiss.

_But you make me feel like I can be._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, feel free to leave a comment below or come and scream at me on tumblr at 'agentoakysart'.


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